Meaning of Love
by Lovely SOS
Summary: "Love. It was a very serious subject, Evan Tolliver supposed, but it had seemed to be on his mind quite a bit recently. And in a way, that was frustrating- he had no time to think about such things. -He was trying to help save the world." ((I wrote this in hopes to gain more insight to Evan Tolliver. I hope you'll give it a chance.)) {one-shot}


**A/N**

_Hello everyone!_

_This is a one-shot about Evan Tolliver._

_Some things to** make clear** before you proceed:_  
_1) I am a crazy Amian fangirl. But I LOVE the character of Evan. So, no, I am not trying to betray you or whatever- I love Amian with all of my heart._  
_2) There are NO Day of Doom spoilers in this- so don't worry. But I will say that Day of Doom is what made me write this..._  
_3) ...well, mostly. See, the thing is- Evan is a brilliant character. I truly love him. I hope that what you take away from this is some respect for the character- and I hope you see the reasons behind why I wrote this. _

_Special thanks to the gorgeous _**AmberCahill-**_ for reading this over, giving me input, and helping me with the title._

_Disclaimer: I do not own the 39 Clues, my darlings. But as any other fish in the sea does, I have dreams..._

**~Meaning of Love~**

Love.

It was a very serious subject, Evan Tolliver supposed, but it had seemed to be on his mind quite a bit recently. And in a way, that was frustrating- he had no time to think about such things.

He was trying to help save the world.

Evan was doing his best. He really was. There were people out there that needed him, whether he was related to them or not- they were real people, and if he could help save them, then he sure was going to try. He was giving it his all. The project he was working on now was trying to figure out where the Cahill hostages were- among the other things he had to do.

The _many_ other things he had to do.

This saving-the-world business was all very time consuming, and it was overworking Evan. Not that he was complaining- there were many others on this case as well, just as he was, and so, a complaint never left his lips. This was not a game, and he knew that- this was a battle against the bad guys. This was trying to save actual lives. He was doing this not to be a hero, but because he wanted to. There had been no way once he'd found out about the hostages that he could just walk away, pretending he _didn't_ know that there were lives at stake.

Evan rubbed his eyes, which were becoming bleary. He needed sleep. He'd missed far too much lately in light of recent events.

Across the room, also doing computer work, sat Ian Kabra, looking equally as exhausted as Evan. The two didn't exactly get along, but they weren't about to start any real arguments, either. Ian knew just as well as Evan- if not slightly more, since his sister was a hostage- that this was an incredibly serious situation.

Evan typed a code into the computer, cursing silently as a blue bar popped up to show slow loading progress in his work.

Evan watched the bar, wishing it would load faster, but he couldn't do anything except open another window on the computer and start researching something else that might help. Evan opened another tab, but before he could type anything in, Ian spun around to face him on his swivel chair, looking as grim as always.

"Go take a break." Ian commanded Evan. "It's your turn." With his words, Ian pointed towards the door. His hand dropped down and he reached for his coffee mug next to the computer. He raised it to his lips, but he grimaced, probably unused to normal coffee versus something elegant and fancy.

But both of them needed the caffeine to keep themselves running.

Evan almost felt like protesting to Ian that he didn't need a break. But his stomach was growling quite loudly, loudly enough, in fact, to make Ian raise his eyebrows at Evan. Evan really did need to eat, and then, if he had any time left, he should try to sleep. He doubted he would be able to, though- not with these thoughts on his mind. These intrusive thoughts about the idea of love, and his other thoughts concerning his projects and things he was supposed to have already finished.

"...fine." Evan sighed in response to Ian. "Want to take a look at this file, first, though? I think it might be corrupt or something. It's loading a little too slowly."

As good as Evan was with computers- and he really was good- Ian also had a vast knowledge of such things, which was why the two of them were stuck in Attleboro at the Command Center, rather than being where Evan called On The Field- out actively trying to defeat the evil guys, the Vespers, rather than staying in one room.

Not that he and Ian weren't doing just as much to help the cause- they were just doing a different kind of work.

But Evan and Ian made a surprisingly good team, even though they sort of disliked each other. It was obvious that Ian didn't like to, but he occasionally would spin around on his chair and ask Evan his opinion on something or other computer-related, as he'd done moments ago. Evan did the same thing with Ian. Frequently, actually- the better he did his job, the better the chance was of saving so many lives.

In Evan's opinion, he and Ian didn't need to be friends- they were doing this for the hostages.

Ian stood up and crossed the room. His tie dangled in Evan's face when he bent down to look at the computer screen. Evan frowned, moving away. Ian was always impeccably dressed, even in times like these- there were a few more wrinkles in Ian's shirt than normally, though. (Actually, in safer, more normal times, Ian probably never had _any_ wrinkles in his shirt.)

Ian looked at the screen for a moment, then typed something in and inserted a drive into the side of the computer. The blue bar onscreen began loading considerably faster, which was a relief. Still, though, it looked as if it would take a while yet.

"Thanks," Evan said, and Ian merely nodded and stepped a foot or two away. There was a silence between them, until Ian said, in a rather annoyed tone,

"Aren't you going to go take your break?"

Evan sighed. "Yeah, I guess." He minimized the window tabs on the computer screen, and as usual, felt a tugging at his gut because of the desktop background he had picked out.

It was a picture of his girlfriend, Amy Cahill.

He'd picked the background for many reasons. The most prominent of those reasons seemed to be that he missed her, more than anything, and seeing her face on the screen of the computer was about as good as things could get in this present situation, since he wasn't sure he'd be seeing her again for a while. Also, every time he saw the picture, it helped to remind him why he was here, instead of at home, studying to get into Harvard or whatever it was that he had once wanted, and his parents still wanted.

Because studying didn't matter anymore. The Cahills mattered. Saving lives mattered.

Amy mattered.

And the picture of her was absolutely lovely.

It was a picture that he'd taken not too long after they'd gotten together. He remembered the day perfectly, and though the picture as his computer background was usually a positive motivator for his work, it also sometimes made him zone out, stuck in a memory- the memory of that particular day.

That day, the weather had been perfect outside. The birds had been chirping loudly, sounding joyous at the brightly shining sun.

It was the first day he'd kissed her.

It had been rather cliche, maybe- and definitely something that Amy's brother, Dan, had made fun of Amy for once he'd weaseled the information about the kiss out of her. But it was a perfect memory for Evan. Evan and Amy had had a picnic in the park and everything, and after talking for a long time while they sat on the swings there, they'd had their lunch, and beneath the biggest oak tree in the park, he'd kissed her.

And he'd taken the picture shortly after that.

The sun was hitting Amy's hair quite perfectly in the photo, her reddish-brown hair shining and her green eyes glinting, too, in the summery sun. Her cheeks were just a little bit pink- an aftereffect of being kissed, he thought. Her hair was in her face just a little bit, and they'd both been laughing when the picture had been taken.

That was a happier time.

Evan's mouth twisted downwards into a painful frown, feeling incredibly wistful looking at the picture. He missed her, and she was on his mind so much, and _she_ was why he couldn't stop thinking about love-

And he was nearly almost _completely_ certain now that he loved her.

Really, truly loved her.

Evan snapped himself out of his daze. He was really wasting his break time, which sucked, because he knew that he really needed this break. He didn't want his body failing him from exhaustion. He ripped his gaze away from the distracting picture of Amy, and he stood up to leave.

To his surprise, though, Ian was staring at the computer screen.

Ian Kabra was rather a hard person to read. He always seemed so bitter and rude to Evan, though Evan hardly held it against him, as his life seemed to be in pieces right now- his mother was a Vesper and his sister, a hostage. That didn't mean Evan liked him, but he did feel bad for Ian, because things weren't going so well for the Brit.

But Ian seemed as equally distracted by the computer screen as Evan had been, no matter how emotionless he sometimes seemed. Like Evan had thought before, Ian was hard to read- but Evan was shocked to find elements in Ian's gaze that he was sure reflected his own.

Ian looked like he missed Amy, too.

And more than just a little bit.

Evan wondered what exactly the past had held between his Amy and Ian Kabra. He'd always suspected that, upon meeting Ian for the first time and seeing him and Amy in the same room together, something may have happened between the two of them before. But that was all history, right? He'd asked Amy once, because it made him uncomfortable to think about.

She hadn't wanted to talk about it- but she'd agreed that it was, indeed, history.

Evan almost wanted to ask Ian about it now, but this clearly was not the right time. There were much more important things to be thinking about and doing, and they both needed to get a move on with it.

But Ian emitted a tiny sigh, staring at the computer screen with what Evan could only describe as longing in his eyes, when the Kabra had always seemed so guarded and secretive. Evan stared at Ian in surprise, but this look on Ian's face and in his eyes only lasted a moment before he ripped his gaze away as well and fixed it on Evan.

"_Amy_ is your desktop wallpaper?" Ian said, his tone accusatory and judgmental. But Evan found that Ian's words just bounced right off- he'd seen Ian looking at the picture of Amy, too.

Maybe he really wasn't the only one who was in love with Amy Cahill.

"I really need to take my break now." Evan said calmly, passing Ian. He paused for a moment and looked back at him, his voice level. Evan ignored the tugs of jealousy at the thought of Ian looking at the picture of Amy like that. Amy was _his_ girlfriend, not Ian's. "You said so yourself." Evan muttered.

Evan walked out of the room and made his way to the kitchen. Everything felt eerily quiet now that he was alone- no birdsong today. Evan opened the fridge and ignored a carton of spoiled milk, simply pushing it aside for now. No time to deal with messes. He pulled out a container with salad in it, and with a sigh, grabbed a fork from the silverware drawer and parked himself at the kitchen counter to eat.

Amy once again showed up in his thoughts. How could he not think of her? She was so important to him- she was most of the reason he was here, trying to save the hostages. Though he didn't think he would have been able to walk away from people who needed his help so much, anyway.

It felt good to help. It doesn't feel good to make my parents worry about me so much, Evan reflected, or to make my grades go down so much.

And yes, he wanted to go to a nice college in a few years, wanted to have a nice job in a few years. But human lives- that was so much more important than a grade on a piece of paper. If Evan had chosen the path that meant splitting up with Amy and taking care of himself and his schoolwork, he knew that he would never be happy with himself. Even if his grades were dropping now... it would be better to look back at what he'd done in his life and think, I helped to save the hostages. Or at least tried.

Rather than be faced with thoughts of himself walking away, not contributing to the Cahill side of the fight at all. What if his addition to the team meant the difference between a win for the Cahills and a lose? It didn't feel like he was that important... but he might be.

Evan shuddered at those thoughts, trying to focus on chewing his food before swallowing it. He really was hungry.

Evan stared out the window. He wondered if he should open it and try to get some fresh air. But he didn't move from where he sat, chewing resolutely, because quite frankly, he didn't feel like he had the energy to.

"Amy," Evan murmured out loud, quite suddenly but quietly, "-wherever you are right now, I hope you're okay."

Thinking that Amy might be in danger was both realistic and incredibly painful. If Evan could have swapped with Amy, he really would have. He would have been out On The Field, instead of her. And she could have sat in the equally-as-important-but-much-safer CCC. At home, in Attleboro.

Being safe.

Amy could hold her own with mostly anything. She was brilliantly smart, and Evan knew this. He was not underestimating her. But Amy was also up against some crazy evil dudes- who were _really_ crazy. They were completely heartless, the Vespers- and they would take Amy's life in the blink of an eye if they felt like it. Evan shuddered again, hating himself for thinking these thoughts. Another thought bothered him, too- and a similar feeling to the one he'd had a few minutes ago because of Ian Kabra began to tug at his insides.

Out On The Field, with Amy and her brother Dan, were Atticus and Jake Rosenbloom.

Evan really didn't know Jake. But he felt jealous when the Rosenbloom came to mind. Jealous when he heard Amy on the phone, and Jake in the background. Because Jake was with Amy, and Evan wasn't. Jake was some handsome, smart guy, and that was almost all that Evan knew. Yeah, Amy wasn't _Jake's_ girlfriend. But the last time Evan had seen Amy, there had obviously been a very painful _something_ going on between Amy and Jake...

Lives at stake, Evan thought, trying to engrave that into his mind.

Lives. At. Stake.

He didn't really know what had happened between Amy and Jake. Obviously, though, now was_ not_ a good time to be worrying about any of this. No matter how much he missed Amy, he was aiding in the hopeful saving of real humans' lives. And that was why, when the last time he'd seen Amy, he'd barely even touched her. Given her a little bit of space to breath. Because obviously, she was under great strain, and she probably didn't want whatever this relationship drama was, either. Not now.

No, Evan had hardly touched her.

No matter how much he had wanted to run to her and throw his arms around her, squeezing her tight to him until he was certain that she was real, and she was alright, and she was still _his_. No matter how much he wanted to run his fingers through her cinnamon hair and then tuck it behind her ears. And then lean down to brush his lips over hers. Wanted to tell her that things would be okay.

He hadn't done any of that.

Thinking of Amy out there with Jake made Evan feel sick. He had great faith in Amy, and he didn't think that she would want to hurt him. But the tension that had been between her and the handsome Rosenbloom had felt like knives across Evan's skin. Surely, though, Amy wasn't that kind of girl. The kind of girl that would cheat on her boyfriend...

No, Evan though rather fiercely. She wouldn't do that to me with that Jake guy.

Evan felt the threat of angry tears pricking behind his eyes. He knew he couldn't afford to be thinking this way. To be thinking about Amy like this- Amy and Jake. These emotions mixed with his exhaustion would not help him and the team defeat the Vespers. It just wouldn't.

All it was doing was hurting their efforts, and hurting himself.

Evan had entirely lost his appetite, so he returned what was left of the salad to the fridge, for his next break in a couple of hours. For now, he should try to get a power nap in. If he could.

Evan walked to the living room and laid down on the sofa there, staring at the ceiling. He'd sat on this couch many times with Amy. He'd laughed with her here. Kissed her here. I love her, he thought, and that thought felt both like a huge roar on the inside of him, a painful ache, but also peaceful, somehow. She'll come home soon, he thought desperately. Hopefully.

Evan knew that he had crossed into the world of Cahills now, even if he wasn't one by blood. He was doing everything he could to help. To be one of the Good Guys. To do something with his life that was a little bit more than just maintain his perfect A+ grades.

He was helping to save lives. A part of the team. A valuable addition, even.

He forced his eyes closed, that picture of Amy from his computer screen burned into his mind. As much as he had in his head to think about, he fell into sleep surprisingly easily. He really was exhausted from spending hour after hour hunched over a computer screen, his eyesight swimming behind his coke bottle glasses.

Evan's last thoughts before slipping into sleep were of Amy, and of how much he loved her.

_A/N_

_Thanks to all the readers- and I am genuinely interested in hearing what you have to say. Please do me the honor of reviewing-_

_Have you learned anything about Evan Tolliver?_

_Regards as always,_

_~Lovely_


End file.
